A take on what might be the real reason you’re struggling to find true love at Penn
Photo Credit: Chloe Hunt
By Jennifer Mesa
As college students, we’ve entered an age of feeling desire and pressure to find the right person. However, Penn notoriously fails to foster the right space to find true love. We complain about hook-up culture and how it creates a transactional environment in which people generally aren’t looking for a serious relationship. Additionally, as high-achieving students we tend to feel like no one has sufficient time to dedicate to a serious relationship. We’ve assigned Penn a generally anti-romantic environment.
I’m here to tell you that this perception is wrong, and, I would argue, that many of you hopeless romantics are part of the problem. To prove this, I conducted a poll on Sidechat, the anonymous posting platform widely used by Penn students.
Albeit, this poll is probably not the most true to the scientific method, but it does show a jarring number. In this poll, I asked whether students are looking for a serious relationship, only casual relationships, or are open to either. As of February 13th, the poll showed a total of 429 responses, 62% reporting looking for a serious relationship, 10% looking for only casual hook-ups, 6% reported not looking for anything at all, and 22% open to either possibility.
Good news,for those of you complaining that no one wants anything serious “now-a-days,” there is still hope! The bad news, though, is that there is a broader issue underlying this misconstrued perspective of Penn’s romantic climate. If we feel as though those around us are not interested in investing in romantic relationships, even when they truly are, what does this say about our methods of seeking love?
I would posit that the true issue is that Penn students are looking for love, but they’re not looking the right way. You might have a general image or perhaps illusion of the kind of person that is right for you, but these lists tend to be far too weak when looking for something permanent. Qualities like “smart,” “kind,” “attractive,” “funny,” “loyal,” and other general characteristics are not particularly unique nor are they key features of a successful relationship. In other words, the qualities you’re looking for in someone are likely pretty ubiquitous but, you might still feel like you wouldn’t date a majority of this available pool. You might go on a date with someone who checks these boxes and chances are, it won’t turn into a serious relationship. After all, Penn ranks the lowest amongst the Ivys for college relationship marriage rates, and ranks 573 out of 697 in the nation. Why is that?
It is difficult to apply these loose principles and ideas and expect them to transfer into a life-long serious relationship. Contrary to what Disney has told you, finding your Prince Charming, or your princess, doesn’t happen over one moment of perfect chemistry. If you’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, that is, you’re hoping to marry them and start a life with them, the foundation of your relationship needs to be far stronger than a couple of nice characteristics. It requires finding someone who shares similar goals, perceptions of the world, drives, purpose, and greater values. For example, do you both have the same understanding of what a fulfilling life looks like? Do you align on moral and ethical principles? If your core beliefs about right and wrong differ, how will you raise children together and teach them values? Where do you find meaning? What are your non-negotiables when it comes to faith, family, and personal growth?
If I were to ask you these questions right now would you have a clear answer? If you struggle to define these for yourself, how can you possibly know what to look for in a lifelong partner? If you don’t understand your own priorities and values, how can you expect to recognize a relationship that is actually stable, meaningful, and fulfilling? A strong relationship isn’t just about finding someone who checks the basic boxes of being “kind,” “funny,” or “loyal”—it’s about knowing that as you go through all stages of life together, your values are sufficiently aligned that you can navigate challenges, make major life decisions, and grow together.
This is why stable relationships seldom come at young ages—because we need time to mature in these understandings. Many people struggle in relationships not because they are incapable of love but because they haven’t yet figured out their own foundational beliefs and values. Without self-awareness, dating becomes a game of trial and error rather than intentionality.
For me, my religious values played a crucial role in establishing these understandings. I knew my purpose, my priorities, my moral framework, and what I was looking for in a life partner. That isn’t to say that we’re morally superior or more mature than others but, our faith served as the defining factor that allowed us to solidify most answers to these foundational questions by the time we were in college. When I met my now-serious partner, it was immediately clear to both of us that we had found something rare and valuable—not just because we were attracted to each other, but because we shared deep, fundamental beliefs about our lives, our futures, and our purpose in this world.
This would not have been possible, however, if neither of us were well established in what our values are. If you’re unable to introspect and understand the answers to these greater questions, chances are you’re not ready to look for your life partner. You might be the problem.
Without establishing these values for yourself, you’ll struggle to find someone who will truly be a good, permanent fit. Stable relationships are founded on shared values that you can build upon and support one another in. They aren’t compromised or discovered within your relationship; they should be preemptively shared with the person you’re dating, and later refined with age and wisdom.
If you’re unable to clearly define your values, and truly live by them, then you might lack the readiness to find a lifelong partner. So, this Valentine’s Day, I challenge you hopeless romantics looking for love to ask yourselves these questions. It might appear as a daunting task, but I truly believe it’ll help you find your other half someday. For those of you sharing Valentine’s Day with someone special, ask yourself if you both share these key values and how this might impact the long-term stability of the relationship. It’s a scary thing to think about since it might reveal some doubts or fears. But, if you’re truly looking for a permanent relationship, you need to be ready to answer these questions.
You can’t be certain about any outcome, even if you do everything right. But, if your goal is to meet your future spouse, there are certainly ways to go about dating incorrectly. For now, focus on establishing your values. Be patient; this takes time and experience. If you’re truly committed to your beliefs and values, sorting your dating pool will start to get much easier and more precise. Speaking from experience, you’ll be a lot happier in your relationship when you mutually recognize and support a strong, stable foundation that is based on core values and principles that transfer into all facets of your life.
Jennifer Mesa is a junior in the College studying Political Science and History from Miami, FL. Jennifer is also the Editor in Chief for The Pennsylvania Post. Her email is jenmesa@sas.upenn.edu.
