(Not So) Hot Takes | Men, it’s time to go ask someone out. And women, it’s time to say “yes.”
Photo Credit: Jennifer Mesa
By: Emma McClure
Let’s be real: dating is complicated right now. But it doesn’t have to be. This Valentine’s Day, I’m calling for the students of Penn to rebel against the convoluted game that is modern dating and initiate a mass return to sanity.
Why exactly is dating so complicated nowadays? Many people will point to hook-up culture. Maybe it’s our new courting rituals, which the youth have dubbed “the talking stage.” Perhaps it’s the convoluted new labeling system, wherein nobody seems to be simply “dating.” (Sidenote, what even is a “situationship”?) It could even be our need to publicize everything: when to “soft launch” versus “hard launch” your new beau can be a challenging question in our social-media driven world.
While all that is certainly hard to navigate, I think it is symptomatic of something deeper. Maybe it’s fear of rejection. Maybe it’s fear of commitment. Maybe it’s some combination of both. But at the root of it is a shocking statistic: 45% of men aged 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person to ask her out.
Let’s be clear, this statistic doesn’t exist because men within that age range don’t want a relationship. In fact, a study of 22 US college campuses found that 71% of men want long-term romantic relationships. While women were a little lower than men, 67% of women still expressed the desire to find a long-term romantic partner.
Penn certainly isn’t immune to this deep-seated desire for love and long-term commitment. That’s why we have flyers for Quickmeets scattered among the dorms, and Penn Date Drop and the beloved (for better or for worse) Penn Marriage Pact find their way into our inboxes.
I can speak from personal experience that many of my friends and classmates at Penn, men and women alike, have come to me with their dating woes. The complaints are the same: dating is confusing and hard, and they want a committed relationship.
Although men complain that they find dating too complicated and want things to be simpler, they also express unease and apprehension about asking someone out. The general consensus is that it’s a recipe for disaster to approach a woman and politely ask her on a date. The way my male friends talk about the dating scene, something as simple as, “Hey, I think you’re really beautiful. Could I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?” could be seen as harassment.
First of all, this is a self-perpetuating problem. The longer men fear this (extremely normal and unproblematic) form of social interaction and romantic courting, the scarier it will become and the less normalized this direct communication will be. Secondly, to any men reading this: if you think it is a legitimate concern that something so polite could be perceived as creepy, maybe you’re actually being creepy. More often though, that isn’t a legitimate concern, it’s just an excuse for a deeper fear of rejection.
So, men of Penn, are you really so willing to live in fear of rejection that you will subject yourself to a life, or at least a college career, spent longing for love or relying only on the algorithmic backup plan that is Penn Marriage Pact? This is just my humble opinion, but that sounds like a pretty miserable way to live.
Ladies, you aren’t off the hook just yet. Apparently, men find us pretty scary. So if a gentleman has the courage to ask you out, as a general rule, be open to saying yes. And if you’re someone who thinks it’s creepy to be approached and offered a cup of coffee: you’re a part of the problem. Polite, direct communication is not creepy or problematic.
Now, I’m not saying to ignore your instincts, and I’m certainly not saying to put yourself in a dangerous situation. If you have a gut feeling that something is off, listen to it. If someone is genuinely creepy, say no. But as a general rule, if you’re available, and there isn’t some unusual circumstance, let the guy buy you a cup of coffee and chat with him for an hour or so. Worst case scenario, you two aren’t a match. You don’t have to go out with him again.
Why should you say yes? First of all, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Not every man who asks you out will be your husband, but you’ll never know if you’re compatible if you don’t give him a shot. You just might meet the love of your life.
Secondly, saying no without reason, or reason being you think it’s weird to ask someone out so directly, only discourages men further. It adds to the fear of rejection and the doomsday mentality so many young men seem to have about dating. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Help make modern dating culture normal again.
This twisted, convoluted game we’re all playing with “talking stages” and “situationships” is good for no one. So gentlemen, stop beating around the bush, stop being afraid, and ask her out genuinely and in person. And ladies, give him a chance when he does.
Emma McClure is a junior in the College studying Criminology with minors in Legal Studies & History and Political Science. She is also the editor of The Social Ivy. Her email is efmcc@sas.upenn.edu.
